Wow, I am a fucking nerd. A few days ago I was high on crack and decided to start yet another blog! Apparently one wasn’t enough, so I created blogexperiment.org.
The idea isn’t for me to bore the world further with my pictures of beef and poo - I want others to do it for me. See, this blog, like most, is closed to the public. I mean, if you know me and want permission to write here I’ll definitely give it up, but the gates aren’t open for any jackass off the ethernet to hijack my space. The Blog Experiment’s gates, however, are WIDE open and literally anyone can go on there and be posting naked ex-girlfriend pics within about 60 seconds.
Things are pretty quiet over at the Experiment but I’m hoping that’s just because it’s new and nobody knows about it yet. So far one friend has registered and published one post. It’s a start! Hopefully it’ll catch on with the right people and become more than just another stale piece of abandoned online real estate.
…unless you feel like getting your face bashed in. Living in Korea was awesome, but one of the things I definitely don’t miss is being victimized by the few locals who apparently have an axe to grind with foreigners, even if those foreigners are Korean.
This past weekend some of my friends in Seoul were at a club in Hongdae called NB, and two of them accidentally ventured into the “VIP” area. Some girl told them to leave, which they were in the middle of doing, but club security decided that wasn’t enough and proceeded to beat the shit out of them. We’re not talking about pushing and shoving here - they both left the club in an ambulance. It would be easy to assume my friends were just drunk and causing a scene, but asshole security guards at Korean clubs have a history of going way too far in keeping the peace. I know of two other incidents where they’ve either shoved people to the ground or forcibly dragged them out the doors when they were willing to walk out.
One of my friends who was involved in a similar but less severe incident at another Hongdae club called Harlem (under the same ownership as NB) once asked everyone we know to boycott the two clubs entirely, but I guess that boycott didn’t stick. Something tells me it’ll stick this time.
I was out walking Terry just now and he found a baby bird (maybe a robin) hanging out on the street next to the curb! Naturally he wanted to eat it, but not wanting to clean bird guts off his face I restrained him.
I didn’t want to just leave the bird there, so I asked this young mom pushing a stroller if she knew anything about birds or wanted to adopt one. As soon as she saw the bird she started oohing and aahing over how cute it was, and after some debate about what to do she gave me her copy of the Red Eye which I used to scoop the bird off the street and deposit it onto the grass on the other side of the sidewalk. I even called some bird rescue place that said they may or may not send someone to save the little guy.
Either way, I think I did my part. Will the bird live or die? I dunno, but at least now he’s got a much better shot at dying of starvation instead of being squashed by a car! Yeah. He owes me big time.
And in other news, two plumbers just came into my apartment and dismantled my toilet. Apparently the collar is cracked… the collar being the iron ring directly under the shitter… and that caused my downstairs neighbor’s bathroom ceiling to cave in! Haha. The bad news is that they won’t be back to fix it until later today and I just ate a pound of lasagna which means that pretty soon I’m gonna need to take one of my legendary dumps. Eh, no big deal - I’ll just crap on the sidewalk. Terry does it everyday and the neighbors don’t seem to mind.
You know how sometimes you really have to take a crap but you’re in the middle of something so you take a gamble and try to summon the strength of 10 men to hold it in for another 5 minutes? And you know how sometimes a little kernel of poo sneaks out of your butthole and secretly camps in your underpants until you finally take your seat on the throne? My friend Cory claims he’s never experienced this, but he’s a compulsive liar and I don’t believe a word he says.
Anyway, I just thought the internet would like to know that (a) I took the gamble today and lost, and (b) I need new underwear, not because I took a devastatingly huge dump in it (at least not today!) but because it’s literally falling apart at the seams as you can tell from the picture. But on the bright side, I named that little brown guy in my jeans Hankey Jr. Hoooooowdy ho!
If you truly “know” me, you probably know about my fake eye. Pretty much everyone knows about it but few have seen it when it’s not stuck in my face. For me, this thing is basically a really big contact lense that goes over the messed-up eyeball that’s already in my head. Other people in the Fake Eye Club might have to stick an entire ball of plastic in their eye socket which is probably more inconvenient and a little grosser than what I have to put up with.
I’m bringing this up because I was surprised to see “Artificial Eyes” on the Discovery Channel show How It’s Made. I was fast-forwarding to see the section on making mirrors and then holy shit what’s with those eyeballs. I’ve obviously experienced the process of eyemaking first-hand, but I’ve never really known exactly what happens after I leave the ocularist’s office.
This video shows the process of making fake eyes. I’ve been that guy sitting in the chair getting crap squirted into my face. Beware, though… if seeing a dude with an empty eye socket is gonna gross you out, you might not want to watch.
It’s Sunday and I got out of bed at 9 am which, for me, is pretty much unheard of - I’m usually in bed until at least 1 or 2. I’ve already taken Terry out for a walk that lasted over 90 minutes and when we came back home it wasn’t even noon yet!
One of our stops along the way was at Walsh Park where Terry broke into a full sprint, kind of doing circles around me, which is always hilarious to watch. I guess he spends so much time at home being bored out of his mind that when he gets outside he just needs to go apeshit every once in a while.
A couple weeks ago I spent $50 on takeout sushi from Torajiro in Lincoln Park and today I just spent another $50 at Isaacson & Stein fish market. I don’t know what the deal is lately with me and fish, but I got 2.7 lbs. of ahi tuna and about 1.5 lbs. of salmon, at least half of which is already in the freezer. I bought it so I could chop it up into sashimi. In fact, I don’t even know if I’ll bother chopping. Maybe I’ll just start cramming giant chunks of wasabi-covered raw fish in my mouth and wash it down with a shot of soy sauce.
Something else I’ve had an affinity for lately is picking my nose. This may sound like one those things I’d say just to try to be Funnyman, but when I’m sitting here in my home office I actually do spend a good portion of my days digging to see how much treasure I can unearth from my sinuses. One of these days I’ll make good on my threat to post a video of me pulling gooey green shit out of my nose and, when I do, the blogosphere will never be the same.
I just saw Britney Spears the Actress in her latest guest spot as a dumb blonde on How I Met Your Mother and all I can say is… WOW!!!! She is really fucking bad. And still kinda fat.
In work news, looks like we’ve finally settled on a developer for our big secret project. Phase I is going to cost $17k which isn’t too bad considering we were prepared to pay as much as $30k. Meetup.com is gonna hate us big time when we go live in 3-4 months.
This blog will bore you. There's also a very good chance it will offend and/or disgust you, and if you think I'm exaggerating just go look at my post from May 20, 2008. Seriously, don't let your kids read this blog unless you've got a good therapist standing by.
When you're done being grossed out here, go to my iPhone App Reviews site and tell your iPhone-toting friends about it ok? Super.
